


Both Sides Now

by littlemisstpk



Series: Rhythm on the Court [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys In Love, M/M, POV Third Person Limited, Pining, Post-Canon, Reconciliation, Songfic, Time Skips, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-11
Updated: 2018-03-11
Packaged: 2019-03-29 22:09:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13936425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlemisstpk/pseuds/littlemisstpk
Summary: After experiencing the level of heartbreak at his high school graduation that could ruin others, Hinata patches his life back together.Title comes from the song Both Sides Now by Joni Mitchell.





	Both Sides Now

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, Hinata is a lot more wordy than Kageyama, but I think he had more important points to cover over the story's timeframe.
> 
> To listen to the title song, which is recommended to get the tone I was imagining, here's the [youtube link.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pbn6a0AFfnM)

When Hinata Shouyou remembered the warnings of how difficult high school would be compared to middle school, he was extremely pleased to find his experience was different. Sure, he had a scare with grades in his first year, but he learned the value of a proper study method with contrasting colours and reciting academic facts as he tossed a volleyball in the air. He also found that his efforts that he sunk into the volleyball club did not feel like work at all, which paid off in the form of transforming Karasuno from a mediocre club to one that was actively scouted for professional sports. Shouyou was proud of his team, and of his partner in crime, Kageyama.

It wasn't until Shouyou’s third year where he realized his feelings for Kageyama went beyond the connection of two really good friends, or even the close bond needed to be captain and vice captain as they were. While he tried to tamp down on the achy feeling in his chest, Shouyou used the opportunity to catalogue the slow motion flick of hair out of Kageyama’s face, revealing an intense gaze, or the movement of a well-honed body shaped by countless hours of practice. Shouyou opted to hide the extent of his feelings: for the sake of club harmony, instead using that energy to jump higher, faster, and to see the holes in other teams’ defence.

The work paid off, and all the students from Shouyou’s cohort each got their pick of sport scholarship. While Shouyou was sad that Kageyama was leaving for Tokyo, he remained confident that his choice to move to Sendai was the better one for him, allowing him to still stay involved in his young sister's life. It didn't, however, feel right to let Kageyama go without him knowing how Shouyou felt, now that club harmony was not something that had to be protected.

What Shouyou did not expect was for his entire confession to be a shit show.

Shouyou was only dimly aware of the tears streaming down his face and the clatter of the button hitting the ground through his outstretched fingers. Once Kageyama was out of sight, Shouyou collapsed onto his knees with enough force that the concrete would create spectacular bruising. Before Shouyou could fully fall to the ground, he felt arms grab a hold of him to keep his body upright. When Yamaguchi pulled Shouyou to his feet, he was able to gain some composure, dusting off his knees and wiping the tear tracks from his reddened face. Shouyou still didn't trust his voice, so he did his best to convey his thanks to his friend.

~~~~~

Shouyou had resolved to not let his poor mood get in the way of celebrating the culmination of the previous three years. This is how he found himself at Yamaguchi’s, drinking beer like it was water and he was stuck in a desert while playing several intense rounds of volleyball. Shouyou had lost count of the number of cans he had opened in the hour he had been at the house (eight? nine? ten?), and as he was about to go for another, he felt it slip from his grasp before he could pull the tab on the top. Confused, he directed his vision downwards, wondering where the can had dropped to on the floor. It was only when he saw a freckled arm push him toward the door and the cool, April evening air that he realized that the can was in Yamaguchi’s right hand, his left hand gently guiding Shouyou to the deck out in front of the house.

As soon as Shouyou’s face hit the cool night air, his stomach protested. He lurched forward, narrowly missing falling off the edge, emptying the contents of his emotions and his insides onto the lawn in front of him. He collapsed onto the cool wood surface, which helped cool down his too-hot face, and he faintly felt a hand rubbing his too-tingly back. A sob left Shouyou, now miserable in both spirit and body, as the feelings he was trying to drown came forward all at once. He felt himself pulled upward into an embrace, curling into the body heat as he let everything go.

By the time the sobs subsided, Shouyou's damp shirt felt almost frozen to his skin, and he came to the full realization that Yamaguchi had not left his side the entire time he had his meltdown. Wordlessly, they agreed to not talk about the details of what happened on the porch. Yamaguchi ended up staying physically close to Shouyou for the rest of the night, bringing a smile to the smaller man’s face as he was distracted with Mario Kart.

Shouyou noticed Tsukishima glaring daggers at him in between races, and could only wonder at why.

~~~~~

As luck would have it, the one person Shouyou could count on lately who understood his misery without needing to talk about it was going to the same university as him. While Yamaguchi and Shouyou weren’t roommates, they each had a single room down the hall from one another. It was hard, as Shouyou still tried out for the volleyball team and Yamaguchi opted not to, leaving Shouyou's convenient buffer from his connection with Kageyama back across campus. Shouyou thanked whatever higher being was applicable that he trained with Ukai senior in his first year, allowing him to hold his own without his setter partner.

Having a setter he was familiar with was not an issue, as Sugawara greeted him excitedly on the court. With Suga’s help, Shouyou was able to clinch a starting position, much to Yamaguchi’s excitement.

With the announcement of their first practice match against a Tokyo university, Shouyou did not have time to dread the implications of who would be on the opposing team, instead, focusing on getting through midterms relatively unscathed as to not jeopardize his position on the team. Just because Shouyou learned how to study in high school did not mean his marks came easily.

~~~~~

The day of the practice match came, and Shouyou donned the royal blue and lime green uniform. He laughed as he looked over at Noya, who was pulling off the mostly green libero uniform with ease, but Shouyou reasoned that with the amount of confidence that Noya exuded, he could make one of Natsu’s old princess costumes look manly and cool.

As the game began, Shouyou scanned the other side of the court for faces that he recognized. Shouyou easily found Tsukishima, as even though everyone on the other side of the net was tall as a rule, Tsukishima was even more unnaturally tall. In the warm-up zone, he saw a familiar fluffy mop, and he internally grinned at the potential entertainment between the flat affect of the blocker and the outrageous personality of Oikawa. When Shouyou's eyes finally rested upon Kageyama, his heart clenched, quickly finding Yamaguchi in the spectator’s area. His friend gave an encouraging smile, and Shouyou was able to relax.

It took several rotations on the other side for Shouyou to finally relax, but between carrying on with Noya on the court and catching Yamaguchi’s encouraging cheers, he found himself at home again.

When it was Kageyama’s turn to serve, Shouyou felt familiar flutters of nervousness at being on the receiving end of that serve. He watched as the other man tossed the ball into the air, took his running approach, and promptly served the ball into the back of Tsukishima’s head. It seemed that the habit of protecting his head and neck from errant serves was more than just him being a shithead and implying that your serves suck unnecessarily, but actually served a purpose.

The fear rose up in Shouyou, as he remembered Kageyama in his first year. Before they had truly become friends,  Kageyama repeatedly slammed the back of his head after one of Shouyou's own errant serves, taking on a threatening pose. Kageyama had a weird smile on his face (in those days, any smile was weird), and said encouraging words veiled in threats to snap Shouyou out of his nervousness. In retrospect, it was the first time Shouyou felt like he was attracted to something other than Kageyama’s volleyball skills.

Snapping back to reality, Shouyou could not help but realize that Kageyama’s face was haggard and that he had never seen this miserable of an expression on his face, even when they were fighting in their first year and weren't talking for weeks on end. Shouyou didn't take his eyes off of Kageyama until he heard the whistle and saw the raised paddle switching the other player out. He looked up at Yamaguchi, and while he was less encouraging than he was at the beginning of the game, it was enough that Shouyou could get through the rest of the match.

~~~~~

After his team narrowly won by finally edging out the other team to a deuce in the third set, Shouyou retrieved his phone after fulfilling his sportsmanlike duties. He had noticed Yamaguchi’s absence at the end of the match, and found the text explaining that something came up suddenly, and to text him the result. Shouyou replied with a quick summary of the third set. He immediately got a reply filled with cute, happy emojis, and a text that came through much later asking Shouyou to stop by his room.

As tired as Shouyou's legs were from the match, he found himself running across campus to get to his dorm. By the time Shouyou knocked on Yamaguchi’s door, he was out of breath and doubly sweaty, but the door opened nearly immediately, revealing a tear stained face and the red eyes that are part and parcel of extended crying. Entering the room and closing the door, Shouyou brought his friend into a tight hug. He was curious about what had caused Yamaguchi to be in such a state, but Yamaguchi was there for him when he never talked about Kageyama, so it was the least that Shouyou could do for his friend.

Impulsively, Shouyou pressed a kiss to the side of Yamaguchi’s face. The only explanation in Shouyou's mind for the direction their friendship had taken was that they were both hurting, empathetic, and touch starved. When Yamaguchi’s face turned and caught Shouyou's lips, he was surprised, but not displeased. It wasn't everything that Shouyou wanted from his first real kiss, but it was something that he could imagine he needed in order to heal.

Shouyou stayed, caressing Yamaguchi, exploring his body with his hands and mouth, as Yamaguchi touched lines of electricity across Shouyou's skin.

~~~~~

As months passed, it became clear that Shouyou and Yamaguchi needed to talk about where their friendship was heading. Outwardly, they shared a lot of physical affection, with Yamaguchi often resting his chin on Shouyou's shoulder as he worked on a journalism assignment in the library, and Shouyou wrapping his arms around Yamaguchi’s middle while he worked on a lab report, napping while draped over his friend's back. Shouyou had heard the term “boyfriend” tossed around about him and Yamaguchi, but he couldn't see it applying to their relationship. They were just two broken people taking comfort in each other’s minds and bodies. Behind closed doors, the memories of how many firsts Shouyou had given Yamaguchi sent an electric jolt down his spine, almost hungry for more. The thought of breaking the news to Yamaguchi of the lack of depth of Shouyou’s feelings for the other man was something that he dreaded, as he knew Yamaguchi did not feel the same.

In the end, Yamaguchi was the one who walked away. Shouyou felt a crack in his hardened heart, but it was not enough to debilitate him. Still, Shouyou could not help but think of high school when the butterflies still fluttered in his stomach, and the genuine smiles were the only smiles he was capable of giving. Giving a half smile in the present, and couldn’t help but wish for those easy times that felt right.

~~~~~

As time went on, Shouyou found himself throwing himself at his work and volleyball even harder than before. While he had to be proficient in spinning stories about a multitude of topics, Shouyou was focusing on writing about sports. His professors and his intern placement both agreed that he shone the most when writing about volleyball, but what his placement found was that Shouyou was positively magical when conducting an interview. Contrary to Tsukishima’s high school criticisms about how Shouyou expressed the emotions and motions of volleyball through vague sound effects that only the people most obsessed with the game could understand, he had increased his vocabulary to make even the most uninitiated understand the game he had fallen in love with on a bike ride in grade school. What couldn’t be taught was the charm to win over even the most recalcitrant people, and Shouyou thought about Aone, Kenma, and Ushijima, none of whom were known for their bubbly enthusiasm, but through a shared love of the game and Shouyou’s unique factor, each athlete was able to show a different side of themselves.

It was shortly after graduation and into Shouyou’s job as a bottom rung news boy at Sendai office of the national sports network where he learned of Kageyama’s marriage. Shouyou was staying late to make himself available for Natsu’s upcoming birthday, cutting and compiling someone else’s story about some of the new draft picks in one of the professional leagues, giving a short interview with the top ten candidates. While Kageyama was not the only one who was interviewed, his interview was the only one that Shouyou paid any close attention to the actual details beyond what was needed to tighten composition and pacing for a television viewer. The only other detail that surprised him more than the news of the marriage and the child on the way was the fact that Shouyou’s heart did not have the chest splitting pain that Shouyou had associated with revelations about Kageyama, but was simply replaced with a dull burn that lingered longer than the one time he let Suga choose his food for him during a tournament.

It was on his first real assignment where he was tasked to cover one of Kageyama’s volleyball matches. As Kageyama was that team's star, he knew that it was unavoidable that he would have to interact directly with the man Shouyou had not held a proper conversation with in nearly a decade. As Shouyou emailed Suga with his idea to bolster his bravery, he was greeted with a slew of happy emojis. Shouyou relaxed into his phone.

Exhausted, Shouyou leaves the final clothing shop with Suga chattering excitedly in front of him. His arms were laden with multiple bags filled with professional clothing that showed off Shouyou’s slim, petite figure. He ran his fingers through his hair, which was cut in such a way that it was very short on the sides, but left the top longer to allow Shouyou’s natural waves to flow freely. Suga assured him that with the right product, it wouldn’t take very much to turn Shouyou from simply adorable to alluring, and having an engaged audience to an engrossed one. Suga heartily approved of Shouyou’s revenge makeover, and if the pink tinge on Suga’s cheeks was indication, it was at least one of his former senpai’s thoughts was not innocent.

If he was younger, he would have teased Suga into something more at this revelation, but after Yamaguchi, heartless sex had lost its appeal. Shouyou would settle for the attention he would get being drooled over instead.

~~~~~

The day Shouyou had been dreading had arrived. It had been years since he had been able to actually attend a volleyball game in person, often seeing the footage in terms of editing it for airtime, or seeing a live feed as he went about one of the more menial tasks at the station. Shouyou had opted for a slate grey pair of pants with a matching vest, and a light green dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up past his elbows. As he teased product through his hair, he remembered one of his public-facing female coworkers talking about her war paint, her use of her appearance as her armour against the world, and as Shouyou took in his final appearance, he could understand where she was coming from.

Not only did Shouyou look good, he felt like he could take on the world.

When the game ended, Shouyou led his camera team to the area of the court where Kageyama’s team bench was located, and he was heartened by that brief moment where Kageyama’s face look petrified before he slipped into the tsundere mask that had been perfected for the media. He let out his most disarming smile as he approached the other volleyball player, bringing forward some of his enthusiasm that used to be reserved for spiking balls at invisible targets.

Kageyama wasn’t running away, and so Shouyou introduced the interview and started with a few fluff questions about the match that was just played. He heard the voice before he saw a tiny almost-Kageyama run full tilt onto the court, yelling for her father. As Kageyama turned around to scoop his daughter up into an impromptu game of volleyball where she was the ball and Kageyama was the setter, Shouyou could not help but smile at the sight. Where the other man had been tense and almost hostile at Shouyou’s presence before, Kageyama relaxed and let out a true grin at his daughter’s laughter. This was the kind of pure happiness that was infectious and buoyant, and Shouyou felt a few cracks appear in the casing that served to protect his heart for the past decade.

Shouyou’s attention was snatched from the pure happiness in front of him by the yell of “Lame!” from across the court. It didn’t take Shouyou long for him to recognize Tsukishima standing there, flanked by two small boys with short blond hair that looked exactly like the tall man.

Kageyama spun around, smiled, and yelled back, “So’s your face!”

Tsukishima was on the opposite side of the court, but Shouyou could still see the nearly imperceptible smile that he had not seen in person since his university volleyball career.

Turning back to the camera, Kageyama turned to the camera and explained, “He’s one of my few friends from the miraculous Karasuno days with whom I still keep in touch. We weren’t especially close in high school, but we became great friends in university. He was the best man at my wedding too. He understands that volleyball is easy, it’s life that’s hard.”

When Kageyama offered up a weak smile that looked eerily similar to the smile-like grimaces that he had tried to offer in their place in high school, Shouyou could not help but let out a laugh. He doubled over, letting out all the feelings he had not realized that he had bottled up over the decade in a show of catharsis, and his giggle fit renewed at the familiar pout on Kageyama’s face at being laughed at. For a moment, Shouyou could forget how he had to patch himself up into a functional human being, a process that had more casualties than just himself.

~~~~~

When Shouyou returned to the station, and his interview aired, he found that a trial assignment to test him in a public facing position turned into a permanent position trailing Kageyama’s team on the road. He also found out that his interview was supremely popular, and that the combination of Kageyama’s attempts at smiling and his own unbridled laughter at Kageyama’s feeble attempts exploded on the internet, and it was difficult to access some areas of the internet without seeing one of the happiest moments in recent memory immortalized in a gif.

Shouyou decided that there were worse things to be remembered for than being a purveyor of happiness. He could certainly tally more than a few people who would disagree that Shouyou was an easy person to deal with, with Shouyou himself being at the top of the list. However, with every interview with Kageyama, and by extension his team, Shouyou found that the protective casing around his heart went from cracked, to decrepit, to condemned.

The day that Shouyou realized that his heart was more free than it had been since high school was one he didn’t want to experience. He watched as Kageyama landed badly after a setter’s dump, his leg splayed out oddly, and a scream that curdled Shouyou’s blood. Shouyou stood transfixed, and as Kageyama was carted off the court on a stretcher, he maintained eye contact with Shouyou the entire time that he could, despite the heavy breathing that came with trying to control the pain.

Once Kageyama left the gym, Shouyou felt the first of the tears that he did not realize were there fall onto his cheeks. His eyes widened as he realized what was going on, and he made a beeline to the nearest washroom to get a hold of his emotions. It took some deep breaths and several splashes of water, but he was able to get himself to a point where he was certain he could act all right on camera, and covered up the beginnings of a blotchy complexion.

As he briefly passed Oikawa and Iwaizumi entering the washroom that he was exiting, Shouyou couldn’t help but laugh at how some things never seem to change, except his own perceptions of situations.

Shouyou finished out the night by reporting on the possible permanent loss of Kageyama as a star setter, but how the setter’s team fought against the sudden drop in morale to win the match.

~~~~~

In the days after the game, Shouyou found himself on the internet in a way to distract himself from an intensity of emotions that he had left repressed for years. What he ended up finding was that in the dark corners of the volleyball fandom, Shouyou was popular in his own right, but that popularity was amplified when he was paired with Kageyama. He found one post that took one picture of Kageyama making direct eye contact with an obviously distraught Shouyou as proof of “Kagehina”, and that tag exploded on every social media page that Shouyou was aware of.

Shouyou laughed at how close and how far away that statement was simultaneously.

There was something enchanting about how simple Shouyou’s life and emotions were before high school ended. He was well aware that life was not fair, and that life doesn’t work out like the romance novels say they will. However, he found himself feeling like those stories had some merit as the easy, if professional interactions were anything to go by.

So when he got an email from an unknown contact giving him Kageyama’s location, Shouyou found himself in the doorway of the room housing his former friend. The look of shock on Kageyama’s face emboldened Shouyou to enter the room and take a seat in the chair at the bedside. He looked into Kageyama’s eyes, trying his hardest to remove himself from his emotions to truly understand the man in front of him. Kageyama, Shouyou reasoned, was trying to do the same, so he was hopeful he would have traction today when he didn’t then.

“Why?”

Shouyou felt the word leave his lips without permission, and his chest clenched in anxiety. The last time he dealt with Kageyama without fully planning out every detail of the interaction in advance he ended up losing a friendship in the aftermath. The look of confusion on Kageyama’s face as he simply asked, “why what?” did not settle the now-active butterflies making their presence known in Shouyou’s stomach.

Shouyou took in a deep breath, and let it out forcefully, which settled the stampede rampaging through his intestines enough to speak.

“Why did you run after graduation?”

Kageyama’s face betrayed that he knew exactly what Shouyou was asking about earlier, and just didn’t want to talk about the issue. It was enough that Kageyama turned his face away from Shouyou's gaze just enough to fully break eye contact, and Shouyou was able to catch a blush forming I'm Kageyama's face. “I didn't know what I wanted. I was young and scared.”

With renewed bravery, Kageyama turned back to Shouyou, who could see the determination in his eyes. “By the time I knew what I wanted, it felt like it was too late, so I settled.” Kageyama turned away, and snorted as if laughing at one of life's unfunny jokes.

Shouyou took Kageyama's nearest hand into his, engulfing the larger calloused hand in both of his now-soft hands. Shouyou pitched forward as the butterflies escaped him in the form of wracking sobs that he had not experienced since Yamaguchi’s party so long ago, when he had too much alcohol in too short of a time to be useful. Even though he had gradually let out some of the hurt and residual romantic feelings through his professional work with Kageyama over the previous couple of weeks as they rekindled a tentative friendship while reliving the days of the oni and his club that led to several Nationals, Shouyou felt the last of it go, giving him closure for what happened then.

As the sobs began to subside, Shouyou felt Kageyama gently stroke his chin, bringing Shouyou’s five o’clock shadow to his attention as his facial hair pulled on nerves he didn’t know he had. Shouyou raised his head to find Kageyama inviting him to join him on the bed, indicating a spot on the bed opposite to the injured leg. Shouyou took the opportunity to lay his body over Kageyama’s, and burying his face into Kageyama’s shoulder, Shouyou wrapped his leg around Kageyama’s middle. He breathed in deeply, and the familiar scent helped Shouyou relax completely in a way that was completely foreign to him.

When Shouyou woke up from his unintended nap, he looked up at Kageyama’s face and even breathing and found the other man having a nap of his own. Shouyou marvelled at the sense of _right_ surrounding the situation, an tentatively lifted his head to press a kiss to Kageyama’s jaw, one of the few places he could reach without shifting his entire body and risking waking the other man. Smiling, Shouyou lowered his head onto the shoulder that served as his pillow, and basked in the contentment that now came from his heart.

**Author's Note:**

> I have a [Pillowfort](https://www.pillowfort.io/littlemisstpk) where I post my comments about the manga I'm reading, as well as some writing thoughts. I'm always up for talking!


End file.
